it messes me up. it really does. i hate this roller coaster ride. so i hope you're right.

i really don't know. what am i supposed to think? i'll tell you why i'm confused some time. i promise.


Is it really so hard to love someone?


no use asking myself stupid questions. i hate it when i can't be sure i'm the only one who gets this from you.
let's hope we mean more than that.

where have i been? i feel lost these days.. think i found myself yesterday.. at least a little..good to know ppl care.. thanks. only so few people can cheer me up so easily. no names. oh well, yesterday was training and bballers. this is good. training wasn't all that enjoyable.. the rustiness showed. very obviously so. will hafta get our engines started soon. or else rj bball is screwed. we have to depend on ourselves. no use hoping for things to happen if we don't make them. so yeah, we kick our own asses now or we'll get our pretty asses kicked next year ok.. don't wanna see it happening. hmm beeen coming home late everyday this whole week.. but what do you expect man.. after exams.. yep, guess this highness will have to die off after some time.. hope it never does but life goes on.. do what you can. do your best and no one can fault you for that. and your best better be good enough. im trying. im trying. i really am. it really isn't that easy. in fact not at all, not with all those emotions and thoughts and whatever not swirling in my head, which i think is holding more stuff than i can take. i need a break..but not until i find someone.

really really need to psyche myself up.. have to do it..tomorrow is good. really really have to psyche myself up.

i don't know.. can't think straight now.. better do well tomorrow. i canonly hope that all goes fine, very fine.

think i should try to be myself more.. i can be quite lively when i get into the mood. and i enjoy it when i'm in the mood.. i dunnoe. but it rarely comes now..which is quite evident.. think it's fun to show your fun and crappy side.. like i really don't know. what should i do? i find myself asking a lot of questions.. as in i'll just keep thinking. i'm trying to clear my head now.. like what actually matters? why do i keep comparing? is it right? i actually hate being my subdued self.. it just doesn't feel right. and i haven't been feeling right recently.. what's wrong? nothing i guess.. it's the stress.. and the feeling of hanging there.. am i just being too possessive? no, it's normal to feel this way when you're in this situation.. i try. i try and hope something good happens. so i hope it'll go the way i want.. i'll pray. God help me.

i hate some ppl.. screw off. know what i'm talking? yes, anyway, was an otherwise quite okay day. though think the fact that i can't really talk much showed during today's slack session with the bballers. they were going on and on about all the shows and i was like lah lah lah.. yeah, i think that i don't see enough TV and movies.. that's the truth.. i'll try to get more connected.. yeah. well, open house was not as on as last year's i think.. ri din even send their ppl down like last year.. wtf. oh well, hope certain sec4s can make it into rj.. don't think i should name names here.. it should be pretty obvious lah.. burnt myself today again.. the bball team looks like we went africa for training.. haha. red and black.. oh tomorrow's gonna be another day out.. morning playing floorball in ri.. then after that going friend's house.. after exams must relax and let go.. anyway, was still rather pissed off today.. at certain times.. when certain people did certain things.. know what i'm talking about? everybody take care. yep. hope tomorrow will be THE day.

this two days have been crazy.. notice that if i'm thinking alot, i post a whole lot.. lots rushing thru my mind.. guessing and trying to second-guess.. bleah.

i'll really go get some sleep.

i really don't know if i'm thinking too much.. can't be that. maybe it's right that if you're the one involved, you can't think straight.. and let stuff overwhelm you. that's what happened to me today.. yes i was tired, mentally exhausted. really can't stand it.. think ppl could tell. so yeah, i'll try be myself. people please help. know your limits.

are all that i'm posting becoming more and more cryptic. doubt anyone actually gets what i mean. yes it does matter and i am pissed off. so, i'm just letting my anger go here.. big use.. wow. it hurts i admit. so pls stop it.

well, need somewhere to vent my anger on.. tomorrow's match could be good.. really want to play the sec4s.. not that i don't like them or anything.. some of them are good. we'll take them on man.. think it'll be a close fight.. some are too arrogant.. need their asses whacked. if i can help it, i will. hope we do well..

shit, i'm still quite seething with anger.. still not calmed down.. i'll get an early night and hope the sleep does me good. GOD BLESS ME AND WHOM I LOVE.

actually, it matters. yeah? of course it does. anyone should know it.
knew ppl normally can't tell if i'm pissed or what.. but i'm sure it showed? hmm, what was i displeased about? keep seeing it happening but what do i do about it.. or maybe it's just me..
shit lah, some people should just screw off. hmm i've said that before. i say it again. some people should just screw off. yep, 2 times is just right. aiyah think the only one who'll get this is zhi kai. yeah, it sux. know what i mean..
everytime it happens, i feel the inside of me boiling. i'm sure you know what i mean.. yes, i am pissed off..any idiot could tell. i hate it. as in screw off. ok, i'll be less pissed..hard as it may be. i'll do my part and pray for the best.

thanks ppl.. anyway, was another basketball day in school today.. nearly wrote basketball school.. erm. yep, sunburnt. dislike the hot feeling all over. but heck will play again tomorrow.. haha. good me. hope my pw's nearly done.. sorry to my group for being quite slack..then still got oral presentation to worry about.. shit lah. once again, pw's shit.. I HATE PW. totally. to the core. oh yah, spent much time talking with the bballers today. roxy. was doing stuff for open house, then played a lot.. fun. damn fun.. had a late lunch together then slacked and talked with sarah, zhafri and ren cong. was quite ok lah.. at least i enjoy slacking around.. yep. argh, still have to do some stuff for the balll open house board..

i hate being daoed. maybe there's a reason.

think i can't live without you? ha maybe last time but not now. so yeah, screw. never thought i'd say this.

everyone has i past. so do i.

i screw up. that one. aiyah, i don't care liao. and i mean it. let the past be that. the past. no use looking back and killing yourself doing it. i do not care liao. i have decided. no point at all. i'm glad. i really am.

cool.

was quite a waste of time in school today. supposed to go for open house mainly..and pw before that.. well, as it turns out was some sort of a bball day.. played a bit lah.. realised i need to psych up more.. can't slack around anymore. need to play more.. oh well, tomorrow maybe.. need more exercise. went to watch infernal affairs II today.. was good. better than i expected.. or maybe its just that i like this kind of shows.. hah so it was quite rox.. typical hongkong shows.. will have to watch the first one soon. haha i haven't watched it yet.. got quite a few movies to watch but not enough money.. hmm. oh well i'll have to manage.. you know pw really sux.. why is the ministry screwing us.. screw it. pisses me off. screw lah..

i realise that if you increase the brightness of the screen a bitthe background looks quite nice.. haha don't bother trying..it's just me.. think i've gone crazy..

i just realised that must be like the most incoherent bit i've written.. haha.. i just can't think straight lah.. good tomorrow.

i'll go find something to do.. yes read a book.. hafta go school for pw tmr.. wtf.. yay, and open house.. wow. brrr. what am i saying?

i can't imagine how school would be like when it starts.. a slack time would be fun.. i'm looking forward to lotsa bball and fun. hmm, i still do not know when's rj's openhouse.. oh well..

better take a break.. been staring at this screen for damn long. no good..

i feel liberated.